Fellow Cup Checkers,
Greetings from Tampa, Florida! The smell of freshly cut grass, morning due, and Burger King’s morning menu fill the air at the minor league complex here on a daily basis. I am not a huge fan of fast food,but I have to say that whatever they are cooking about 100 yards from field 3 is tempting! Anyways, I have been asked by our fearless leader in arms, the one the only sick mother himself MAC to give our readers an insight into the life of a member of a minor league bullpen.
Anyone who has watched enough baseball has heard some of the world’s best announcer’s talk about what it takes to be in the bullpen in the big leagues, what it takes to close out games, that special mentality! Great I’m all for that, I agree and know that it takes a different breed to do what they do! However, no one has ever (to the extent
of my knowledge) talked about what it takes to be a member in the bullpen in the minors. This topic is
both lengthy and explicit at times, so if you are one that has a soft stomach, have high standards for us
professional athlete folk, or have any qualms, quarrels, or reservations as to what is socially acceptable
read my next few posts at your own risk!
For starters, there is nothing quite like the excitement of the walkie talkie going off, but there usually
are several innings before the ‘BULLPEN’ call comes over the walkie. This is where most of the games
are played. All serve a purpose, to keep the mood light, create a stronger bond with your comrades, and
mostly to pass time until it’s time for someone to get up and going! From ‘would you rather,’ a game
which is based upon seeing how messed up someone is hypothetically willing to go given two choices.
For example a hypothetical ‘would you rather’ could be would you rather drink the sweat rung out of a
sweaty jockstrap from the teams floppiest player, or would you rather take a Tiger Woods driver to the
crotch (it gets so much worse but I think my mother-in-law reads my posts)? Yes these both would never
happen, but people we have too much time to just sit there talking about our lives (which no one really
cares about), politics (which people have no clue what they are talking about) or any other important
things that may be going on in the world at that current point in time. These games are used as mind
numbing activities equivalent to Facebook in an office!
Don’t get me wrong sometimes there are things that are talked about that have some relevance to life,
but the season is too long, too many people have different opinions, and it is best to just be immature
males and do what we do best. Dumb stuff!
“BULLPEN” is heard over the walkie. The mood of the bullpen turns from complete disinterest in the
game to locked and loaded mode! Everyone is waiting to hear their name, the adrenalin begins to pump
and whoever gets called scrambles to get ready! Depending on the situation there are a few directions
which are to be followed. Toss, get going, get hot, let us know (when you’re ready), you’re in. Sometimes
there is enough time for the guys who like to put ‘atomic balm’ (a heating agent applied to the skin) on their arms to “lube up!” Lubing up is not something done by all but, the ones who do it all have their own way! Some simply put it in a cup bring a medical glove down and rub it in, others use the method of two cups and a tongue depressor.
Whichever way it’s done, it creates a glaze over the pitchers arm and the fire that is created by applying
this goo to your arm is intensified by one of two things, sweat or water! For those who get the “sit emdown”, aka dry humped, their post game shower is ruined!
The term dry humped is derived from what? Yup you guessed it sex! If I have to explain this you
probably shouldn’t be reading this.
Anyways, it is something that we relievers can’t stand! Your ready to go, almost in the game, and BOOM,
LIFE CRUSHHHHHHH!!!! You sit back down; rejoin your teammates who are giving you a hard time reminding
you that that is the fourth time in a week that you have been humped! Frustrating yes, but you just have
to take it in stride and know that it is part of the job description.
Tune in next time for my continuation of life in the bullpen where I will touch on the topic of kids, foul
balls, and a few others!
Protect the beans!