Greetings Cup Check Land,
There are many timeless traditions in baseball, and most of them bring a smile to the faces of fans and players alike. Read: most of them.
There is one tradition, however, that should have been taken out to pasture long before Ol’ Yeller, and that is the National Anthem.
Now before you start going all Zero Dark Thirty on my 2 bedroom rental home and label me a traitor, hear me out. It isn’t the “Star Spangled Banner”, the honoring of our country, or the respecting of our service men and women that I am so strongly opposed to– those things are all excellent. What I would so badly love to be the judge, jury, and executioner of is our commitment to allowing any Tom, Tonya, Dick, Diane, Harry, or Helen that raises their talentless little hand to defame Old Glory by belting out an off key, over enthusiastic, amateur hour rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”. It is just plain ridiculous, and I mean to tell you about it.
I am going to give you 3 keys to success, should you ever find yourself on the mic, followed by a special treat. Should these tips save even one game from enduring a mutilation of our National Anthem, I will consider this post a success.
First, my fool proof method for nailing the anthem REGARDLESS of age, gender, ethnicity, or skill level:
1. Keep it moving. I don’t care if you are Celine Dion… if your anthem is longer than 2 minutes, it sucked. If it is sub 1 minute, it is IMPOSSIBLE that it was bad, and if it is somehow under 49 seconds…. drinks are on me. The Star Spangled Banner was written as a march, people- figure it out.
2. Stay within yourself. If you are not Whitney Houston, and something tells me that you’re not…………….. You will not be singing the greatest anthem in history. So you do you, and leave the soulful grunts and prolonged runs to the legends.
3. Dress simple, and smile. While everyone loves the stars and stripes blazer, it is… wait no. Nobody likes that blazer. And ladies, the prom look… enough. Baseball is meant to be a little rough around the edges. When we eat caviar in the dugout, you can wear pretty dresses.
That’s all there is to it. If you can run out there, sing a controlled, well paced, forgettable version of the anthem, everyone will move on with the game, their nachos, their beer, and their lives.
Without further ado…. My nightmare:
Til next time,
Uncle T @TRog34